The deer have been coming through. The little ones still have spots, although not for long. When they stand still with their mothers on the the periphery of the woods, they’re invisible. If you wait, they’ll resume their leisurely walk, ears and tails flicking, foraging for food.
About two weeks ago, I watched a documentary about the history of military camouflage. Normally I wouldn’t have seen it, but I was really sick and couldn’t do much besides watch TV. I was totally dumbfounded by the intersection of art/commerce/war.
I think my illness was in response to the intensity of the events just prior. I was traveling when I got a call that my mom had fallen again. We went straight from the airport that night to see her. She was heavily medicated for pain, but she smiled when we got there. She did her best to rally, she really did. However, three days later we said goodbye.
Things are out of focus right now, and yet there are moments of clarity.
Today I was thinking about the deer, with their sleek Darwinian coats. I was also questioning the wisdom of talking about my mother’s death. The grief is too nuanced to manage neatly; I haven’t had enough time to sit with it, to be still and listen, before I forage again.
I’m lucky that the simple act of getting dressed is nurturing. Today I chose my father’s hat, my daughter-in-law’s earrings and bracelets, plus other bracelets that include gifts from my parents. I chose pieces that I made and bragged about when they were featured in a magazine, fulfilling my promise to my dad that I would do it.
After he died, she would get upset that he hadn’t been by to see her. She worried that her parents didn’t know where she was. She gazed at me and marveled that we’d been friends for so long, and weren’t we lucky?
Details: Skirt, scarf, armwarmers: upcycled by me from thrifted materials. Hat: my dad. Shoes: on sale years ago. Hand woven top by Judi Gaston: thrifted. Handwoven vest by Yasuko Kurisaka: purchased recently at local boutique. Handmade brass earrings: Lynzee Lynx. And of course, the bracelets and rings: 40 years of gifts and collecting.